And If You Go
by Nette
Summary: Abby reflects the recent events, her feelings for Carter and what he means to her in her life.


Title: And If You Go  
  
Feedback: Sure, I'd love to know what you think!  
  
Spoilers: Through S9, up to the promo for 9.17!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything . ; )  
  
Author's Notes: This was supposed to be much shorter, only referring to the bits that they showed in the promo for 9.17, but then all my thoughts about everything just came out, I couldn't help it. ; ) The title is part of the lyrics for "In My Place" by Coldplay (Gotta love that song! ; )).  
  
I'm up here again, thinking. Thinking about everything. On the roof of course, where so many important things happened, where else. I do that quite often lately. I mean, I'm not surprised, a lot of things happened in my life. And they were not good at all. At least most of them weren't.  
  
First I found out that Eric is bipolar. I could hardly believe it. He was everything I've ever had in my life. I was scared for him my whole life, I feared he might be bipolar like mom. And then one of my biggest fears became reality. I tried to tell myself that it's not true, that I am seeing things. But deep down inside I knew that it was. It was obvious. I knew the signs, I saw them often enough in my life. Too often.  
  
What hurt me the most was that he didn't want me to know. Why? I was always there for him. I thought he trusted me. And then mom told me that he didn't want me to know. To protect me. Great. As if I'd never find out. I felt so shut out.  
  
I can't believe how lucky I am that I met Carter. I love him more than my life. And so does he, he shows me how much he cares with every move he makes. He was the only one who could make it at least a little better. I didn't have to feel completely alone. He helped me not to drink again, I was close to start again. I was strong enough not to drink for a while. But I don't know where all that would have led, if he didn't come home. Honestly, I think I know, I saw it a few days ago.  
  
When he disappeared. Eric I mean. I thought he was dead. And this time I was really alone. Not even Carter was there. I paged him immediately. But it was too late. I was glad it was too late, though. When I paged him it was spontaneously. I didn't want to ruin his trip. But the first person I could think of when I got the news was him, Carter. I needed to talk to him and be comforted by him so badly, it almost hurt physically. When I could think more or less straight again I regretted that I wanted to let him know. I didn't want him to miss the good things in life because of me again. And I knew he'd be right there if he knew what was up. He knows how much I love my brother.  
  
And then he called. I was trying hard to hold back my emotions. I almost failed. I managed to compose myself more or less. But just hearing his voice just overwhelmed me. And I couldn't come up with a stupid excuse. He knew it was something serious, I tried to reach him on his trip. I wanted to change the subject, but he didn't let me. I told him only the basics, then I hung up. And I told him not to come here. He offered it. No, he stated that he was coming.  
  
Susan tried to talk to me about things. But I couldn't. I thought it wasn't true if I just ignored it. She's a real friend. But I just couldn't speak it out loud again.  
  
She offered me her company for the night. I thought I didn't need it. And I didn't want her to give up her plans for the evening.  
  
When I got home I wish I had taken her offer. The silence was killing me. I was alone with everything in my quiet room. A picture of Eric right in front of me. My thoughts were going round and round in my head. I wished Carter was there.  
  
I tried to call my mom. But she wasn't at home.  
  
I don't know what I was thinking, if I was thinking at all, when I went down to the store. I bought alcohol. I knew I shouldn't do it. And I didn't want to. But all that was just too much. I wanted to turn off my head, the thoughts. Everything. I didn't think about the consequences. Like I said, I don't know if I thought at all.  
  
I ended up drinking a few glasses. And I felt bad immediately. But there was no way back. It happened. I was glad now that Carter was not there. He shouldn't see me like this. And I was worried about what he'd think. Would he think less of me? Would he be mad? Would he leave me? I didn't even want to think about it.  
  
I decided that the best I could do was to go to bed.  
  
And when I woke up he was there. I heard a noise and when I entered the kitchen I thought I was seeing things, but he was really there. Standing in my kitchen, cleaning the mess I left last night.  
  
And he knew that I was drinking. He had the bottle in his hands. I felt so bad. I realised what I did the night before. And I felt ashamed in front of him. That he had to see me like that.  
  
I had to leave the room. I was too embarrassed.  
  
But he followed me, asking questions. I wanted him to know what I was feeling. But I didn't want to put that weight on his shoulders. Finally he just grabbed me. I was glad he did and I gave in, put my arms around him. I needed that hug. I thanked him for coming back and he tried to make me feel better. Told me that they'd find Eric, rubbed my back slowly and softly. It felt good to just be held by him. I was glad he came home to be with me, and that he wasn't mad because of the drinking.  
  
And he didn't stop to care about me the whole day. He came to the hospital, with Maggie. I thought that that was it, that they found the plane and that Eric was dead. She was there to tell me, I was sure. And I couldn't deal with her.  
  
Carter was there again to help me. I'd have to thank him for so much, but I never manage to express that to him.  
  
And then I got the call. They found Eric's plane. Eric wasn't there. But his plane was intact, so he didn't commit suicide. That was on my mind the whole time. I blamed myself for not seeing that he said goodbye that day at Doc Magoo's.  
  
I am glad that Carter was there. So I could share the good news with him immediately. I was so happy, I kissed him spontaneously. He was happy, too. I could see it. Then he reminded me of Maggie and I hurried to tell her the news. I could be more relaxed now with her. Before I couldn't help but partly blame her of what had happened to Eric. She gave him the desease. I know, it's not her fault. But that she didn't let me treat him and give him therapy was her fault. If he was in a clinic, all that wouldn't have happened. But now I can deal with her. I am glad that she is still on her meds. I still don't dare to hope that she has finally made it. I want to hope, but she disappointed me way too often. But this time she seems really well.  
  
And then I was up on the roof, like now. And then happened what brought me up here this evening. Carter came after me. He told me that I was running away from him. And I admitted that he was right.  
  
I told him to leave me. To run away as long as he can, as far as he can. But he never listens to me. And I can't explain how glad I am about this!  
  
It's not that I really want him to go. I really don't. It's the opposite. I love him so much, I don't want him to suffer because of me. And I know he does. He is so sensible. He seems to feel all the pain I feel. So I want him to go, to be happy again, without me and my problems. He deserves a better girlfriend. One with less problems that makes him happy.  
  
I surely can't do that. I bring too much baggage in the relationship. Actually, I can't believe that he's still with me. He has seen me at my lowest point. If that didn't scare him off, I don't know, in the end he might convince me that he really wants to be with me.  
  
I still can't really believe that. How can he love me? That can't be true. I must be dreaming.  
  
We had a little argument that night. Well, not really an argument. But a situation that let me say what needed to be said for so long. I finally thanked him for being there, trying to be with me the whole day. And I gave him a hint of what is stopping me from completely allowing myself to believe that our relationship could last. He doesn't want me to love him, because that's what would bring all my misery in his life, too.  
  
And then he told me. He wants to marry me! The words are still in my ear, like he just said them. I didn't believe my ears at first. I mean, there was the helicopter, so I could also have been wrong. But he said it again. No doubt, he wants to marry me, at least that's the meaning of the words he said.  
  
And I didn't know what to think, I still don't. My brain just refused to work. I was happy, that's for sure. The idea of being his wife was wonderful. But then again, I can't believe it. We were in a kind of an argument. You say things you don't really mean in situations like that. But it still made me happy.  
  
I couldn't even hide it when I told mom the next day. I wanted to act like it was not a big deal for me, though I don't think I was really convincing. But I didn't want her to see my hopes. And I had hopes, that's for sure. There was still a part of me that thought he could really mean it. But I didn't want all people pitty me if he didn't mean it while I told everybody that he would marry me.  
  
And then, yesterday, he asked me out. I was waiting in front of the restaurant forever. At least it seemed like forever. It's pretty cold in February here.  
  
Then he finally arrived. I didn't think anything special. Just that we'd have a night out. But when we entered the restaurant I saw that we were the only people there. And my heart started to beat as fast as I have never experienced before. I'm a nurse, I know what pulse is normal, but mine was far away from that.  
  
Then we ate and I was waiting for what would happen next. He talked about us, that he thought he found the right woman for his life. He asked me if I feel the same. And I didn't know what to say. Of course I thought the same and I wanted our relationship to last forever. But I didn't want to have too much hope. I still couldn't be sure that he was about to propose again. My heart knew it, but my head told me not to hope too much. So I decided not to let him see what I was hoping for. But I was ready to say yes if he really asked me.  
  
But nothing. Suddenly he stopped the conversation and asked for desert. I was confused. So I was wrong? Did I get his behaviour wrong? I surely did. At least I tried to convince myself that he never wanted to propose that night.  
  
Obviously, I was wrong. I talked to mom on the phone while Carter was having a shower. I picked up his jacket and it just fell out. A little box, a little box that changed everything.  
  
Of course I saw that it was a box for a ring. And it dawned to me what ring it was. But I couldn't help and opened it. When I saw it, I knew what it was. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was an engagement ring. I had to look at it twice to believe it.  
  
I put it back immediately when I heard him calling from the bathroom. So he really wanted to propose earlier. But he didn't. That bugged me more than anything before. Because I didn't know why. Did he finally realise that I am not right for him? That he can't take my problems and that I am not worth it? I didn't kow what to think. It hurt so much. The thought of losing him. I spent the whole night awake, thinking about the evening, thinking about what I did wrong. What made him change his mind?  
  
Nothing really happened since then. I tried to avoid him a little. I knew I couldn't act normal around him.  
  
So I went up here to think. I have no idea for how long I've been already up here. But I'm off, so nobdy will miss me.  
  
Then I hear a voice and I snap out of my thoughts. It's him.  
  
"Hey.", he says. It always gets to me when he says that. The way he says it, so caring and loving. It makes me want to be held by him immediately.  
  
I turn around. "Hi. What are you doing up here?", I ask him.  
  
"I'm off and I was searching for you. I didn't see you the most part of the day. And you hardly talked to me when we were together. I was wondering if something was wrong. You are different since yesterday. Did I do something wrong or did something happen?"  
  
God, I don't know what to do. Should I tell him that I saw the ring? I want to, more than anything else. The thought that he doesn't want me anymore is killing me. But on the other hand, I don't want to hear it if he really doesn't want me anymore. I know, I told him to leave me, but I only do that to not be disappointed when he really does. And I always thought that he would eventually. But then again, why didn't he break up with me yesterday if he thought I wasn't the right one for him? I am confused.  
  
I sigh, feeling tears coming up. To cry was the last thing I wanted right now.  
  
"Come on. Something is up. Talk to me, please.", he says.  
  
I decide to do it. I couldn't stand it anymore, not to know what he was thinking.  
  
"I . I was wondering. Wondering what happened yesterday." Phew, it's out. I wait for him to answer and look at him briefly, then I turn away from him again, I can't look into his eyes. He doesn't seem clueless at all.  
  
"What do you mean?" He doesn't know that I saw the ring. But he seems to know that I know something. The way he asks tells me. I decide that it's the best when I admit it.  
  
"I saw it. The ring I mean. Does it mean what I think it means?" I'm scared like hell in that serious situation. It's hard enough for me to talk about my feelings. And his answer is so important for me, for the rest of my life. I can hardly take it all. But I still manage to hold back my tears.  
  
He inhales and exhales deeply before he answers. "Yes, it means what you think it means. I wanted to ask you to marry me again. Since I figured that the last time on the roof wasn't the best place and way to do it."  
  
So I have confirmation now. He really wanted to marry me. Now the only question is why he didn't in the end.  
  
"Then why didn't you do it? Did you realise that we weren't right? That I wasn't right for you?" I hold my breath, waiting for his answer.  
  
He doesn't answer immediately. I am scared even more now. I can't hold back my tears anymore and think that was it. It's over. He doesn't love me. I want to escape from that situation as fast as possible. I don't want him to see how hurt I am. I turn to go, but he grabs me, pretty hard actually. It doesn't hurt or scare me, but I am surprised.  
  
"Hey!" There it is again, the word. In a different context now, but it still has the same effect on me. I give in and turn back to him. He has tears in his eyes, too.  
  
"What the hell can I do to make you believe me? I love you more than anything else and all you do is to push me away. What am I doing wrong? Don't you want me?", he almost screams at me, but losening his grib.  
  
God, no! What is he thinking? Am I kidding myself? What is he supposed to think? I push him away all the time. That's what I wanted him to think. Or at least that's what I told myself that I wanted him to think. But now that he asks me, I know that I was wrong. Him to think that is the last thing I want. Even the possibilty of losing him is killing me.  
  
"No.", I say weakly, with a tear runnng down my face slowly. "You are all I want!"  
  
"Then why don't you act like that? I had a feeling that you were not ready yesterday. I still love you and I always will, but I am not sure if I can take it any longer. It hurts me that you still don't let me be part of your life completely. Why don't you just accept my love?"  
  
I know why. And I will tell him today. "Because I can't believe it! You are the best thing that happened to me in my life. And I lost all the good things in my life. It was always like that. And I don't want to be a burden for you. You deserve someone better than me, someone with less problems that influence your life. I thought it would be easier for both of us if I just pushed you away. But now that I almost seem to be successful, I know that this is the last thing I want. I want nothing more than to be with you. I love you."  
  
I feel so relieved now that it's off my chest. I look down and suddenly I feel the touch of his hands on my shoulders. He pulls me into his strong arms, his forehead touching mine. I wrapp my arms around him and he tightens his embrace and kisses my head. We stay like that for a while. Then he motions me over to the little bench that is up here. He sits me down and falls on his knee himself. My heart starts beating faster again. I didn't know that this was possible, but it was beating even faster than last night at the restaurant. Then he starts to speak and I feel like in a dream. Like all that wasn't true.  
  
"Abby, you know I love you. And you love me, too." He smiles when he says it, and so do I, though the rest of my body is more or less paralized.  
  
Then he reaches into his pocket and gets out that box. I want to ask him why he has it with him, but I don't want to interrupt him.  
  
"And I have to tell you now. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want nothing more in my life than that. This might still not be the right place . ", he says, opens the little box, takes my hand and holds it. " . but do you want to marry me?"  
  
I am still scared to wake up and realise that all that really was a dream, but even if it was a dream, I wanted to be his wife more than anything else. My tears are falling freely now. I can't help it. It is no fairytale proposal, but he is the sweetest man on earth, so I don't really care.  
  
"Yes.", I say and fall into his arms. He holds me tight and has a bright smile on his face. So do I by the way. I am so happy right now.  
  
We part from the embrace. He puts the ring on my finger and we kiss deeply.  
  
I know it's right with him. 


End file.
